|HAMLET AS TOLD ON THE STREET|
Now Francisco and Bernardo, they was guardin the castle,
Leanin on their spears, not lookin for no hassle,
Havin themselves a brew or two,
When out in the night they hear woo-wooo-wooo.
And here comes this ghost, lookin ragged and rank,
In a rusty suit of armor, goin clank, clank, clank.
They say, "Hey, Mr. Ghost, are you our dear departed king?"
But the ghost dont say one motherfuckin thing.
He goes, "Wooo-wooo-wooo." They say, "Hey, we better split,
And go tell Hamlet about this shit."
So they run find Hamlet, they say, "Hey, sweet Prince,
Your daddys ghost been seen runnin hither and hince.
Hes all full of maggots and hes grizzly and grim,
Somethins rotten in Denmark and -- whew -- we think its him."
Hamlet say, "Oh, are you sure its my pop?
Did he have matty gray hair with a bald spot on top?
Did he have bright blue eyes that never know fear
And a tattoo says GERTRUDE FOREVER right here?"
They say, "Hey, the thing just flittered by our station,
We didnt give him no phyical examination.
And we dont know for sure if your daddy was the one,
But we do know a motherfuckin ghost when we see one."
Hamlet say, "Show me where you spied this spectral klunk
So I see if its my pop, or if you was both drunk."
So they bring ol Hamlet to the spot, and then
They wait five minutes and wooooo ---
Here he comes again.
He got gray skin, black teeth and hollow eyes,
Beckonin like this -- young Hamlet cries,
"Hold, spirit of darness, are you a ghostly apparition?"
"No," says the ghost, "I look like this from malnutrition.
Of course Im a ghost, but sone, dont be scared,
And Ill tell you some shit thatll fry your hair."
He says, "You got two relatives, I wont say which,
But ones a bloody murderer and ones a faithless bitch.
Why, I was takin a nap in the garden right here,
When my ambitious brother pours some poison in my ear.
And before my bodys even cold hes wearin my pajamas,
Layin up in my bed with my crown on his head,
Doin somethin sinful to your momma.
And the terrible thoughts of what theyre doin up there
Is more than a poor old ghost can bear.
So you gotta revenge me on this harlot and this knave
Or else Ill never rest in my motherfuckin grave."
Well, this information just flips Hamlet out.
He starts walkin like this, with spit hangin out his mouth.
His eyes are all bleary and his tongue looks worse,
And hes talkin in couplets and blank fuckin verse.
I mean the dude is indecisive,
He dont know how hed like his eggs,
And hes got no opinion on tits, ass or legs.
He cant decide which horse to play at the track,
And when they ask him what suit you wanna wear today?
He say, "Ah um gimme the black."
He calls his uncle a murderer,
Calls his momma a whore,
And he cant get it up for Ophelia no more.
Oh, and Ophelia? Shes tryin her best
To make him feel better,
Wants to polish his crown jewels,
But he wont let her.
"Stead of sayin yea, the fool says nay,
And the whole courts figurin he must be gay.
Well, then in come Hamlets oldest friends,
Rosenstern and Guildencrantz,
They say, "Hey there, Ham, you gloomy Gus,
Get up get down and party with us.
We brought you some actores,
Some tunes and some lyrics
To put on a play to boost up your spirits."
Hamlet says, "Hey songs and skits,
That gives me an idea that could stir up some shit.
Well put on a play
"N" that could be just the thing
To catch the conscience of the king,
If there is a conscience in the motherfuckin king."
So Hamlet calls all the actors, he say, "Fore this drama starts,
Im gonna tell you suckers how to play your parts.
You gotta speak the speech like I pronounced it
Dont rush it, dont milk it, dont drag it, dont bounce it.
I mean, do it trippingly on the tongue,
Or else Ill see your thespian asses strung up and hung.
And dont saw the air with your hands flappin wild,
"N dont go mouthin my words in some method style."
Then the lead actor says, "Hey are we alive?
Or just some talking meat thats gotta listen to this jive?
I have read this thing you call a script
And it aint too bad, its got a few little dips.
But with some new dialogue and a few minor edits
Hey, do you mind sharing writer credits?
But this part about the king? -- poisoning his brother?
I play this wile the real kings watchin? Sittin with your mother?
You must be out of your cotton-pickin mind.
Hell cut out my tongue, hell gouge out my eyes,
Hell boil me in oil and send me to hell."
Hamlet says, "How about double scale?" The actor says, "Well
"I want my name above the title, three percent of the gross,
I want that tall brunette as my dialogue coach.
I want approval of director and a juicy per diem,
And if theres changes in the script, I got to see em.
I want a dresser, and undresser and a hairdresser, too,
And I gotta-gotta-gotta have the biggest dressing room.
I want an escape clause that lets me out in a month,
And the first thing I insist is that you fire that cunt.
I want transportation to and from every show,
I want complimentary tickets for everybody I know.
I want my brother and my cousin hired to play in the band,
And dont go tryin to sneak in any extra matinees.
And next time you wanna speak to me,
Check with the director first.
Now will you please go away and let us rehearse?"
So Hamlet slinks off, lookin for a backer,
Mutterin how hell never ever talk to another fuckin actor.
And him and Horatio, they walk down a ways,
Till they see some clown diggin a mouldy grave.
Hamlet picks up a skull, he says, "Who was this sucker?"
They say, "Yorick." He says, "Yorick? I knew the motherfucker.
He used to be court jester. Hey, Yorick, show us how
You used to make them funny faces Why aint you laughin now?
Ive kissed these lips, I know not how oft." And Horatio quips,
"Hey, lets not announce how oft you kissed them lips.
I mean people already talkin bout the way you walk,
And the fact that you aint givin Ophelia no nook."
Oh, and speakin of Ophelia Polonius, her daddy,
Says, "Hey, that prince is drivin my little girl batty.
Got her runnin all night and sleepin till noon,
God knows what else he got her doin.
But hes our royal prince, lord of earth, sky and water,
But hes also a horny little pimply-faced shithead
Trying to hump my daughter."
So Polonius calls Ophelia and says, "Listen, darlin daughter,
I hope you and Ham aint doin things you shouldnt oughter,
Cause you let em touch an ankle and they wanna grab a knee,
And they never buy nothin that you let em have for free."
Ophelia says, "Hey, Pop, I know the score,
You think I wanna wind up another palace whore?
I got the dud sendin me letters and babblin bout the moon,
I really do think his bells are out of tune."
"Well, dont you go dingin his bells," says Polonius,
"Cause if he throws you in the grass,
Ill get your big brother Laertes to kick his royal ass."
Now Laertes overhears his name bein bandied about,
He says, "Hey, Pop, you signin my ass up for somethin
My head dont know about?"
Plonius says, "Son, its Hamlet, that loony tune,
Been fed all his life with a silver spoon.
Hes in my face and on my neck,
I mean the dude aint playin with a full damn deck.
Hes bumblin around twirlin his crown,
And callin me a fishmonger all over town.
And hes charmed your baby sister with his rhymes and his riddles.
Hey, you think shes puttin on a little weight around the middle?"
Laertes says, "Hey, Pop, she aint no baby,
She got a set of jugs thad drive any prince crazy.
Now thats just a natural fact and not lust or incest,
And if she shakes em right, she could be a princess."
"Thats right," says Ophelia. "Thats my scheme,
And the way kings been dyin round here, I could wind up queen."
"Enough," says Polonius. "That Pince has ruined my day.
Now we gotta see his fuckin play within a play.
Hell, the placell be drafty, the seats wont be comfable,
I wouldnt go at all but these tickets aint refundable.
Probly full of symbolism, I wont understand it,
Shit, I hope it rains and all the critics pan it."
So they go to the play and everybodys there.
They got diamonds on their doublets,
They got ribbons in their hair.
Lords, ladies, dogs, babies, all in attendance,
The marquee says MURDER, DECEIT AND VENGEANCE.
ONE OF YEARS TEN BEST. DO NOT MISS IT.
So everybody figures its another piece of shit.
And theyre bitchin bout their seats, buckin the line,
Scalpin tickets and sippin wine,
Rattlin their programs, twistin in their chairs,
Tryin to catch if any celebrities are there.
Then the play begins and ooh, looky here
It shows the king puttin poison in his brothers ear.
And King Claudius is watchin, and -- ooh -- is he pissed.
He says, "I know whos responsible for this."
He calls, "Hey Gertie, come here, hon.
What the hells the matter with your jive-ass son?
I give the kid room, board n remedial education,
And he calls me a murderer, and other wild accusations.
Hell, Id sue him for libel for implyin that shit.
But the libel laws aint been invented yet.
Just cause Im bangin you, hes givin me hell,
I think he wants to hump you his own damn self."
Queen Gertrude says, "I think hes goin through
An Oedipal rejection, seein his uncle
Replace his father in his mommas affection."
"Oedipal?" says the king. "The punk is givin me some shit.
Ill send him where I sent his pop if he dont quit.
So you tell him its better to leave some things unsaid,
Or hell be puttin on his crown without his motherfuckin head."
So the queen runs to Hamlet, she says, "Oh listen, son,
Ybetter suck up to the king before some foul deed gets done.
Its true he wears black socks and Hawaiian shirts,
But that aint no reason to treat him like dirt,
Because he is your uncle, and I do wear his ring,
And most of all, he is the motherfuckin king."
"Dont say mother-fuckin king," says Hamlet. "Please,
Somehow that phrase makes my blood freeze.
My daddy was a handsome dude with dignity and class,
And this fat fool got hair on his back and boils on his ass.
Can anybody get you in their goddamn bed
Just cause they got a crown on their goddamned head?"
His momma says, "Hey, before you go off the deep end,
Theres some things about women you gotta comprehend.
"Now milkmaids and queens, we all have filet mignon dreams,
But when the steak is gone, you will eat the beans.
And when youre out of beans, youll chew the shoes off their feet,
But you eat.
Just picture me a sweet young thing,
Then boom my husbands dead and this suckers king.
So its heat the meat and act real sweet
Or wind up with my ass out in the goddamned street.
I got cellulite, I got varicose veins,
I got a hip gets stiff every time it rains.
And -- this -- is what nursing a baby can do,
"Course, honey, Im not blamin you,
Though you were such a hungry child,
But life goes on and a queen must smile."
Then hark just then Hamlet hears a sound
From behind the curtain like a mouse skittrin round.
But its really Ophelias daddy, spyin for the king,
Listenin and takin down everything.
Hamlet yells, "A rat!" and he stabs at the place,
And kerplunk, out falls Polonius on his eavedroppin face.
Hamlet sees it aint the king, he says, "Oh shit,
Yfinally do take action and this is what you get.
Now I killed my girlfriends poppa and Im covered with his blood,
How do you explain this to someone you love?"
Then here comes Ophelia, callin, "Daddy, Daddy dear,
Hamlet, is my daddy in here?"
Well he is and he aint but someone should have told the cat
Ydont wanna get stabbed, dont make noise like a rat.
She cries, "Oh, my daddys dead and I can see
You stuck it in him like you stuck it in me.
I cant believe the shit you done to me.
You used to want all now you want none of me.
Is this your perverted way of makin fun o me?"
Hamlet says, "Hey then, get thee someplace
Maybe a a nunnery."
"Get me to a nunnery?" Ophelia moans,
"Now that you ate the chicken, you wanna try and hide the bones?
With your poetry and promises you messed up my brain,
You are a dirty dog and not a great Dane."
"Please," says Hamlet, "Im in a crazed condition.
Cant you see Im torn by indecision?
To be or not to be? Thats the fuckin question
Thats givin me migraines and indigestion.
Should I take arms against a sea of trouble,
Or just walk around goin gubble-gubble-gubble?"
Ophelia says, "Hey, you dont fool me a bit,
Youre fakin all this psycho shit,
Cause if youre insane you dont have to kill the king,
Or marry me or do any damn thing."
Ham says, "Hey, go bake a cake, or give your booty a shake,
Or take a jump in the motherfuckin lake "
Well, thats where he made another fatal mistake.
Ysee he didnt really mean for the bitch to do it,
But shes gone like a flash, and run, jump, splash,
Shes floatin and bloatin fore anybody knew it.
"Oh, when it rains it pours," says Hamlet, "Aint no doubt,
Heres another thing I gotta feel guilty about."
Well, they have Ophelias funeral and everybodys there.
They got diamonds on their doublet, they got ribbons in their hair.
Theyre rattlin their beads and twistin in their chairs,
Tryin to catch if any celebrities are there.
And its a pleasant event, until into her grave
Leaps her brother Laertes and he rants and raves.
Hes shakin his fist and pullin his hair,
Gettin his ass tangled up in his underwear,
Jumpin up and down in a frenzied fit,
Meanwhile stompin her body to shit.
He cries, "FEE-FO-FI, if I find the guy who caused her to die,
Ill slice him like a pie. Ill cut out his heart and send it to Peru,
N Ill c.o.d. his balls off to Timbuktu,
Ship his dick to England in a registered letter,
And then let him try to get his shit back together."
Then the king pulls his coat, he says, "Harken to this,
Hamlets the dude who fucked up your sis.
And he also stabbed your daddy, too,
And all you do is boo-hoo-hoo? What kind of brother and son are you?
If it was my family I know what Id do, Id be on him like a damned tattoo.
Now there is a sword with a poisoned tip.
Itll send any sucker on a one-way trip,
Cause all it takes is one itty bitty scratch
Hey, Hamlet, how about a little fencin match?"
Well, then the whole fuckin place caves in,
Hamlet stabs Laertes and Laertes stabs him.
Then Hamlet turns around and stabs his uncle, too,
While the queen drinks some poison the king had brewed.
So she dies, he dies, Hamlet dies, Laertes dies
On top of where Ophelia lies,
Right next to where Polonius died.
And before you can wink, blink or turn your head,
Chop-stab-slice -- every motherfuckers dead.
Then in walks this cat Fortinbras, he says, "What is -- this?
I have never seen such a fuckin mess.
You got skulls and swords, you got guts and gore,
You got bodies piled up from ceiling to floor.
You got broken glass, ygot tangled hairs,
You got blood and wine runnin down the stairs.
You got dented armor and ripped up gowns,
You got bent-up crowns just rollin round.
Ygot a punctured king, ygot a poisoned queen,
Ygot a sweet prince dyin on the mezzanine.
And behind that curtain theres another dead duff,
And a body from the fishpond just floated up.
Ygot a stiff in the garden with some gunk in his ear,
And a tatto says GERTRUDE FOREVER right here,
And two guards on the gate tower drunk on beer.
What the hells been goin on here?"
Well, that was the end of our sweet prince,
He died in confusion and nobodys seen him since.
And the moral of the story is bells do get out of tune
And you can find shit in a silver spoon
And an old mans revenge can be a young mans ruin
Oh and never look too close at what your mamma is doin.From Playboy, January, 1998