Fell asleep last night with the TV on --
Oh, what a dream I had.
Dreamed I went and answered ev'ry single
One of those late night mail order ads.
Then four to six weeks later,
Much to my surprise,
The mailman came to my front door,
And I couldn't believe my eyes.

He brought the Vegematic
And the Pocket Fisherman, too,
Illuminated, illustrated History of Life,
And Box Car Willie with a Ginsu Knife,
A bamboo steamer and a garden weasel, too,
And a tie dyed day-glow souvenir shirt
From Six Flags Over Burbank.

Well, the doorbell rang all mornin',
All through the afternoon,
And I shook with fright as it rang all night
By the light of the Mastercard moon.
There was Federal Express in the pantry,
Parcel Post in the hall,
COD to the ceiling,
And I just couldn't pay for it all.

I got an egg scrambler
With a seal-a-meal carryin' case,
A set of Presidential Commemorative Plates
So I could eat my eggs off a President's face,
A minute mender
And a needle that'll knit or crochet
And an autographed photograph of Rin Tin Tin
At Six Flags Over Burbank.

Well, I know that I was dreamin'
So I gave a mighty cheer
When I awoke, it was no joke
'Cause all that shit was here.
So if you fall asleep with the TV on,
Let me tell you what to do --
Rip the telephone out of the wall
Unless you want this to happen to you.